When I get along with my friends, I always want to give them ideas, such as advising them on what to do and how to do it, but the other side often feel that I am meddling in their own business. ...... I really don't know how to adjust this habit of my own, after all, I really want to help. ...... But no matter how politely I put it, I can't seem to escape the label of "teaching people to do things", which makes me quite aggrieved.
Hi friend, reading your description, I can feel your distress because you can't always resist making suggestions.
On the one hand you feel that you are doing it out of kindness and your friend should accept or appreciate it, on the other hand they don't appreciate it and you feel stifled inside.
It's very understandable that when a friend is in trouble, you obviously want to help out out of concern, but you are treated as someone who loves to point fingers, which makes you feel that your good intentions are being let down and that you are not valued or needed.
You may wonder why your friend won't accept your good intentions, when you've said all the right things. Is it really your fault?
🔺 In fact, when most people confide in others, they often just want to get emotional validation or vent their feelings, rather than really needing a solution. They are more interested in the other person understanding their feelings and allowing an outlet for their emotions.
🔺 Try to reflect on what's really going on inside you when you're giving advice to someone.
➡️ implies that the other person has a problem
Often we don't realize that making suggestions makes the other person feel like "you're saying they have a problem" and that you can fix it. But most people don't feel they're at fault, so it's easy to resent it.
➡️ is too obsessed with "shoulds."
Do you have a lot of "should" standards in your mind? For example, do you think things should be done just the way they are? We can try to let go of our expectations of others and respect that everyone has their own ideas and choices.
➡️ is always trying to prove "I'm right."
Have you ever noticed that it's easy to give people a "you're wrong, I'm right" feeling when giving advice? It makes the other person feel like you're just trying to show off and not really trying to help.
In fact, there is no absolute right or wrong in many things in life. Each person's situation is different and their choices will also be different. As bystanders, it is difficult for us to fully understand the actual situation of the other party and the advice given may not be suitable for them.
Even if we mean well, we may unintentionally help.
Learning to listen is more important than giving advice; try affirming your friend's feelings first and then asking if they need advice so that communication flows more smoothly.
It takes time to change habits, don't be too hard on yourself, start practicing the little things and relationships will slowly improve.
Remember, real help is giving support, not guidance.
