After experiencing a fetal loss, I reflected on the causes and realized that there were both personal factors and workplace interferences. For my own part, I would consider how to prevent the future, but not be overly critical. When I think of the responsibility of my leaders and coworkers, my heart is filled with resentment and I don't want to face them. I know that they are also at fault, but emotionally I can't let go of them, and I even resist going to work for fear of being hurt again.
Holding a grudge against someone else may have no effect on the other person, but my mind and body are under stress. What can I do if I can't always adjust my emotions? Is there any way to minimize this resentment? How can I get them to take the responsibility for what they should do, and at the same time make it easier for myself to stop being kidnapped by negative emotions?
I habitually resented others, perhaps because I had been used to experiencing unfair treatment for a long time.
Beloved, at this stage, if you feel resentful, then allow yourself to be resentful first.
You've just experienced a very painful and significant loss and it's completely normal to have feelings of anger. Instead, I think it's good that you're able to turn the resentment partially to the outside world; if you kept it all on yourself, you might go straight into depression and have a harder time recovering.
From your description, I see a state of "self-confrontation", as if there are two voices in your heart: one jumps out and shouts, "It's not fair! One voice jumps out and says, "That's not fair!", and the other immediately takes the "fairness scale" and judges: How can you blame someone else? How can you blame someone else? It's obvious that you have more responsibility! Is this fair to others?
This internal conflict really makes you anxious.
So, the current advice for you is:
🍃 First and foremost, it is permissible.
Allow yourself to be angry and feel unfair. Allow your inner resentment to flow naturally and be directed at others. You resent a coworker and feel they are responsible, let's not argue right or wrong, just accept that true feeling unconditionally.
It's no big deal to resent someone in your mind, it really doesn't affect them. Even if you treat your coworkers poorly, it's okay, everyone has their own boundaries and won't break down just because of your emotions.
At the moment you are having some stress reactions such as not wanting to go to work and avoiding coworkers, it is not advisable to force yourself to do anything at this time as this can increase anxiety and be detrimental to recovery.
🍃 Allow for the flow of emotions as a basis for further exploration of your thoughts and feelings.
Try to communicate with the voice with the "fair scale" and ask whose needs it is trying so hard to "do justice" to. What expectations is it trying to fulfill?
It seems to me that there is a general existential topic involved behind your anger: we always feel that we are special and that bad things don't happen to us. This kind of thinking is usually fine and helps us to ward off fear and maintain balance in our lives.
But when this defense is broken down by "accidents" or "impermanence" in life, the system is disrupted. Deep down you feel "intense insecurity" and the original trust based on a "sense of specialness" is shaken.
This feeling may be called "uniqueness defense" or "omnipotent narcissism" in psychology, but the name doesn't matter, the point is that it makes you particularly angry. In the end, it's because we humans have a hard time accepting "impermanence". It's really hard, and I feel your pain.
🍃 The third piece of advice is to learn to relax and live with anxiety.
Because the "trust in life" mentioned above has been destroyed, you may feel anxious while being angry. It may take some time to re-establish reality-based trust.
Impermanence is not something that only practitioners face, it is the same for all. Learning to accept it and live with it in a new way may be the opportunity for growth that comes from this experience.
So the most important thing at the moment is to relax. It is recommended that you try meditations such as internal breathing techniques, positive thinking meditations, guided light grounding or healing meditations of light.
Any meditation anchors the breath or body sensations to help relax. Whatever feels right for you is a good way to go.
Also try spiritual practices like Upa Yoga, Isha Kriya. search for Saguru and you can find relevant resources.
I wish you a speedy return to peace in this challenge.
I'm Sam Yee, a counselor and body-spirit healer.
