After we got married, I noticed that when my husband came over to our house, he never called my mom "Mom".
At first, he called my mom "mother in law", then I told him that calling her mother in law sounds a bit strange, shouldn't we call her "mom"? As a result, he did not even call his mother-in-law, and came to my home to speak directly to my mother, without any address. Because I said privately to him, one day I half jokingly forced him to call "mom", but he laughed and walked away.
On the way back, I asked him why he refused to call, he said I called mother-in-law and you are not happy, I said I'm not the same call your parents, called more naturally get used to it.
Then he went silent, and when I pressed him for a reason, he still didn't say anything.
I'm pretty pissed off inside.
But what annoys me even more is that he is especially aggressive and responsive to anything his sister asks him to do.
He can't even do such a small request from me, he makes all sorts of excuses to put up pictures of the house, and he does the same thing on so many other things, basically I'm the one who compromises.
He and I come from different places, and I don't understand their dialect. When he and his sister have something to say, they seem to be afraid that I will know, and often ask if I am around when they call, and if I am, they speak in dialect.
Sometimes I can understand that, after all, his sister is the family he grew up with.
So if he won't talk about it, I won't ask much.
But I can't be fooled into thinking I'm stupid just because I understand.
Hi, after reading your description, I understand very well how you feel. Sending you a warm hug oh (´-ω-`)
In psychology, we talk about "intrinsic motivation" and "extrinsic behavior". Intrinsic motivation refers to why you want to do something, and extrinsic behavior is what you do. There must be a reason why your husband won't call his mom, which you need to find out more about.
On that note, I'd like to share an experience of my own.
I've been in a relationship before where the other guy blamed me for not calling him "husband". It's not that I didn't love him, it's just that I didn't think it was right to call him that without being married. Would your husband feel the same way? In his mind, the word "mom" probably only belongs to his biological mother, so he can't say it to his mother in law, which may be too strong a sense of boundaries.
Of course, this is only my guess, and the real reason needs to be discovered through your communication. You mentioned that he uses silence to avoid problems, perhaps you could try the four steps of Nonviolent Communication:
1. Observation: Describe the behavior you see, e.g., he doesn't call for his mother.
2. Feelings: Express your emotions about this, e.g., you are upset that he doesn't call mom.
3. Needs: State your needs, e.g., you want him to be called Mom as a sign of respect and love.
4. Requests: Make a request with the right words, for example, you can say, "Hubby, it makes me a little sad that you don't call me mom, I feel like you don't value me, and I would like you to call me mom like I do so that I would feel more grounded."
Remember not to use an accusatory, complaining or commanding tone. If he stays silent, you can encourage him to speak his truth, but this requires you to make him feel your understanding and support, as the real reason may make you angry and he chooses to remain silent to avoid conflict.
Also, you mentioned that you are the one compromising on a lot of things, and I really feel for you and understand that you must have accumulated a lot of aggression and resentment. I wonder how you usually communicate to resolve conflicts? If the communication style is not good, I suggest using non-violent communication to express your needs so that he understands them, and at the same time you need to understand his deepest needs.
Men usually have six major needs: trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, recognition, and encouragement.
Women, on the other hand, have six major needs: caring, understanding, respect, loyalty, consideration, and security.
Most conflicts can be attributed to a mismatch between the needs of both parties, which needs to be understood through in-depth communication and finding a compromise. Are you always compromising because he doesn't realize your true needs?
If the above advice helps you, I'll be happy and wish you all the best 😊
